There are some things you can change about yourself and some things that you can’t. Over the years of my life, I have realized this–mostly when I try and change things about myself that I don’t know that I have any control over. Now, I know some people would say that I’m being ridiculous and that I can change anything about myself…but I just don’t believe that. Don’t understand? Here are some examples.
Things that can be changed:
Hairstyle and cut. My hair will always be naturally curly, but I can straighten it, color it, and cut it however many times I want. It just usually looks the same because I LIKE the way it looks.
Another thing I can change about myself is my weight. I’m overweight. And I HATE it. But, I can do something about it. While I will never be stick-thin and weight 100 pounds, I can lose weight and be more comfortable with my body. Case in point: I’m going to the beach on vacation in a few weeks. I decided that I wanted to lose 10 pounds before vacation. Granted, I’d like to lose more than that, but I wanted to set a realistic goal. Well, with three weeks to go, I’ve already lost 5 pounds. It may not seem like much, but 5 pounds in three weeks is not bad, considering. So, three more weeks and I will probably lose that other 5 pounds. Like I said, my weight has always been something I have struggled with, and will probably struggle with all my life. But, I can take steps to make it less of a struggle, if I try.
Things that I cannot change:
Being insecure. Sure, it gets better and worse, and it’s not like I can’t function, but I will always have some sort of insecurity. Being told you’re not good enough and a little worthless for long enough, and it’s not something you can turn off. Maybe it’s mental, but I don’t know that I’ll ever really be as secure and confident as people seem to think I should be. And what is obnoxious is that my insecurities manifest themselves in very strange ways. This week, it’s because of someone I work with. Don’t get me wrong, I like her a lot and think she’s very talented and probably going to be very good at her job, but I feel sort of…left out. The funny thing is, I KNOW it’s ridiculous and it shouldn’t matter, but I just can’t shake it.
Maybe I should explain…no, is too much…let me sum up (and if you know the movie, you’re on my favorite people list!!)
There used to be an employee here who wasn’t quite as competent as she should have been. As a result, I spent some time helping out the media ministry with various little things. She’s gone and the new assistant is really good. So, they don’t really need my help anymore. And that should be a good thing. That IS a good thing. But, at the same time, it’s hard for me. I’ve realized that I’m one of those people who really thrives on positive affirmation. I’m one of those people who likes to feel like I’m needed and I’m contributing to the greater good of something. And, now that is gone, at least in the form I most liked. I know it’s ridiculous and probably doesn’t make sense to anyone, but that’s how it is. I felt like I was part of the ministry — like I was part of the team — and now that’s gone. Instead, I feel like now I’m just another camera operator (not that that isn’t important, because it is!) whose sole ministry contribution can be summed up in my Sunday morning availability and whether or not I’ll be around for a special event of one kind or the other.
I know that I won’t be asked to help out as much. I know my opinion will not be sought as much. I know it’s not a big deal and it shouldn’t matter and I should be excited for the guys. And I am–for them–they need someone who can do the job and do it well. It’s just going to be an adjustment to not feel as ‘needed’ anymore. You know what I hate the most about feeling like this? I KNOW it’s petty and dumb!
Anyway, I’ve decided that this is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. And, because I would like to change it, but I can’t, it must be something that I can’t change. You can’t change how you feel things. You can’t change how you hurt and love and react to different situations. It’s part of the way you’re made, right?