There is a space between the life you live and the life you dream will be where you are forced to slow down and wait, reflect, and learn. It is the place where you find yourself simultaneously hoping, fearing, and trusting both yourself and everyone around you. It is that space where you have to learn to trust yourself. And you have to learn to trust others, trust the journey you are on, even when the hills, valleys, and switchbacks make you feel exhausted and overwhelmed. You’re in that momentary space for a reason. You have left a past that didn’t fit and you know there is a future that you want. But, nothing happens quickly, nothing happens without heartache, nothing happens without confronting your fears and standing in the gap between your past self and your future self. In that space, that life-shattering and life-altering space, you must choose to be patient. You must choose to be willing to do the work, you must choose to find joy in the waiting. You wake up every day with a choice – to be bitter, lonely, confused, and scared, or you can be hopeful, loving, gracious, and kind.
These are the days you acknowledge that it’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel while you wait, where you’re not sure what or who to believe anymore. They are the days you grapple with things unsaid, with dreams unrealized, with hope shattered. These are the days you cling to whatever you can when the road seems insurmountable, the dark thoughts feel like they’re taking over, and your wildest fears feel on the verge of coming true. You embrace the constant, lonely, dark days.
You do the hard things. You get up. You get out of bed. You fight to find joy in another day. You laugh when you feel like it and you smile through whatever secret pain you carry. You look yourself in the eye and you blink away the tears one more time. Because you know that these days are just that – they are momentary. They are not the end of your journey just as they are not the beginning. You know this is momentary and that there will come a day – a week, a month, a year, several years from now – where you will realize the momentary has passed and you are alive again. You know you will wake up and won’t have to check the walls around your heart and your mind to make it through the day. You won’t have to take deep breaths and remind yourself good days are coming. You will just be there, living in them.
Living in the momentary is hard and it can be overwhelming. But it is also where you can learn the most about yourself and who you are. It is where you can challenge your own notions and beliefs and find firm footing for your life. It is where you can turn the page and write a new chapter in your story. It’s not a new book – the past chapters still matter – but the story will take a new direction as the in between days give way to the everyday.
If you’re like me, and you’re living in those momentary (even if they feel forever) days, give yourself grace. Love yourself fiercely. Feel the hard days, but don’t let them win.